Boo thousand tales

There are few other stories I need to post up but let's go right to the latest contest still running on the forum. The theme is all out horror with a seasonal twist. My killer uses a trick I saw in an ancient episode of Alfred Hitchcock presents back when the whole world was in black and white.

And let me use an image from the splendid Mutants in Mega-City One collection for which I now own the original artwork!

Dead men tell no tales

"Santa, please call here" says the sign but it's the judges who kick down the door. They are too late, the drug has taken hold and I'm already effectively dead.

"Jovus! He's been gutted like a fish."

"Eyes up, rookie. Perp may still be here."

The toxin paralysed me, heart rate reduced to almost zero, everything slowed to crawling speed, except my brain which races away but I can't let the judges know I'm still alive.

"Clear. Whoever did this is long gone."

"Call the tech. I'll check the body."

Coloured lights reflect off her leathers as the judge checks my non-reactive pupils. I can feel drops of moisture forming in my eyes. Maybe she'll spot my tears and realise I'm not dead? But no, judges are trained for blood and violence not tears, and she stands up again as the tech sets his tri-d camera recording the scene.

"OK, rookie. Tell me what you see."

"Male, mid forties, naked apart from his u-fronts. Belly has been opened with a serious blade, I'm guessing it nicked the aorta because there is a lot of blood. Let me just look inside ... yes, his liver is missing. It's him isn't it? This is the work of Santa Claws, the Christmas Delivery Man."

"Sure looks that way. Sicko's fourth victim in as many years. Let's see what else we've got here apart from a corpse."

Time passes. I'm just a piece of meat to them now.

"All done," says the tech. "You want me to send Re-syk up?"

"Yeah. We've got what we need here."

Then I'm alone again. I hear the judges starting their door to door but no-one will have seen or heard anything, while I lay here taking it all in, unable to speak.

Re-syk is a short guy in the familiar yellow jumpsuit. As he lays out the body bag he doesn't notice my finger twitching, the drug is wearing off. Good Grud, what if I'm zipped up in his van before I can move?

However this guy is slow, methodical, diligent. He hasn't even got me in the bag when I suddenly sit up. His face is a picture but my hand closes around his throat before he cries out. My blade was hidden beneath me and his eyes widen as it slides in below his ribs.

"I'm sorry," I whisper in his dying ear, "but you have something I need."

I eat his liver straight away and feel life flood through me as mine regenerates. My belly wound closes and my mutated skin knits whole again while I quickly bottle a pint of his blood to use next time. Five minutes later I'm wearing yellow and pushing the gurney down the corridor. The judges don't even look in my direction while they browbeat the neighbours.

Re-syk are expecting a body without a liver and that is exactly what I intend to deliver.

Perfect Ten

The theme for this 2000AD forum short story contest was cinema so I adaptated a story I had already written and called it My Fair Lady. As ever I was inspired by a story I read somewhere else and once again I manage a weak final line joke (must stop doing that).

 

My Fair Lady

“You’re Percy Malion, AKA Percy the Pig, Con-apt 1432, Rex Harrison block?”

“That’s right, Judge.”

“Time to explain yourself. Talk.”

“It was the Frothy-Fresh shower gel advert that started it. That’s where I first saw her.”

“Saw who.”

“The perfect woman, I’d never seen anyone as lovely. She had it all, the hair, the figure, the face of an angel, and those beautiful hands. The close ups of her lathering up with the Frothy-Fresh, well it fairly took my breath away, if you know what I mean.”

“So what did you do?”

“I had to meet her, I had to tell her how I felt. So I contacted Frothy-Fresh and they put me on to the company who made the advert. At first they said they couldn’t give me her name and contact details, but I can be persistent and after I dropped a few credits here and there I found someone who told me the truth about the model.”

“Who was she?”

“She didn’t exist. Not a single model anyway. They used a different model for each shot in the ad, One for the face, another for the legs, another for the breasts and so on. In all they used 12 different models to film that commercial. My perfect lady was a composite of a dozen different women.”

“The magic of Tri-D. Most people would have called it quits there, but not you, Malion?”

“No, Sir. I was in love and a man in love will move heaven and earth for the woman of his dreams, I had the list of all 12 models and their body parts. It was obvious what I had to do”

“For the record state what exactly you did.”

“I needed those body parts. I thought about gene-splicing and cloning. I had the funds but that would have taken too long. That’s when I contacted Dr Praetorius.”

“Praetorius is currently not cooperating with interrogation. Tell me what he did for you.”

“He did the surgeries. We started with Ellie “the body” Macafee. She was going to be the host body for all the others. It was easy for me to lure the women to my apartment. We just told them it was for a fashion shoot. You can get any model out of bed for 5000 credits. A glass of drugged Synthi-pagne on arrival and we were set. And we would have gotten away with it if Frothy-fresh hadn’t tried to book all the same models for another commercial. One model vanishing and we might have been OK but 12 missing models raised the alarms. And I was so close. Another two surgeries and I would have had her. The perfect woman all to myself.”

“Percy “Pig” Malion I find you guilty of the abduction and drugging of 12 women, and the murder and dismemberment of 10 of those women. You’re going to the cubes for life, creep. Looks like you might be making your own impression in the showers.”

Stay on target

2015 was going so well until my father's slow decline from chronic obstructive pulmonary disease was suddenly overtaken by a gastrointestinal bleed and he slipped away from us with family sitting around the bed telling him they loved him on September 29th. You can read a little bit about his remarkable life (because they are all remarkable lives) here.

Then there was the funeral and some more family unpleasentness but it's time to put the blog back on the front burner. Dad loved a science fiction story so I'll fill some space with some of my unpublished 2000AD stories, and also tell you about my favourite books of 2015, the ones I would have discussed with my Da if he were still around to cut through my crap with his usual Irish charm.

Strap in for a minor eruption of January posts.

Eamonn

If anyone can, Carlos can

A pleasant trip to London last weekend to meet up with the 2000AD Southern contingent and peruse the fine offerings on display in Forbidden Planet before repairing to a nearby hostelry for a drink or seven. If you want details of these and other area meet ups check out the events page on the official 2000AD forums.

Forbidden planet had a Doctor Who comics signing so I took the opportunity to get writing droid Nick Abadzis to sign my ongoing Thrill Power Overload charity book. Later on in the afternoon Orbital comics were also holding a similar event with Paul Cornell signing his Four Doctors comics so I nipped across to get him to sign my book as well, and while there I spent a little money on some nice old Progs and then I saw this up with the other wall books for a mere four earth pounds.

Art by Carlos Ezquerra with a cover by Bill Sienkiewicz, and all presented in a glossy prestige format comic. How could I resist? Before my review I have two confessions to get out of the way, first of all I quite enjoy the Stallone movie. Clearly it's not a Judge Dredd film, or not the one we wanted, but as a dumb Sylvester Stallone action film from the 1990s it's pretty good popcorn fare, and my mind can edit out most of Rob Schneider's performance and have an enjoyable time. Secondly, and perhaps more shockingly, I didn't get the appeal of Carlos Ezquerra's art when I first saw it in the late seventies and early eighties. It took a while to grow on me, it was the same with Jack Kirby's work which first left me cold and now I can see how brilliant he was. Of course I now worship at the altar of King Carlos and he leads my list of the top three original 2000AD artists, have I told that story about me buying him and John Wagner a pint in Kendall? OK, just checking.

However over in the US comics market I think most readers would share my initial impressions of Ezquerra's work. It can be an acquired taste and one that apparently a lot of American readers don't bother to get. So choosing Carlos for the official comic adaptation of the movie is an interesting choice but it worked for me.

His usual storytelling and frenetic action sequences are all present although I did miss those signature jagged black lines around his panel borders or on Dredd's helmet. I'm guessing that they may not have had the rights to use the likenesses of any of the actors apart from Stallone, or maybe they just thought it wasn't worth the effort and seeing Fergy as a more typical Ezquerra lowlife goes some way to blotting out the memory of Schneider. And Carlos can now claim that not only did he co-create Dredd but he is also the first artist to actually show Joe's face in a comic. Although interestingly even when Dredd loses his helmet Carlos cannot resist the opportunity to show the top part of his face hidden by shadows whenever he can. Old habits die hard

Andrew Helfer's adaptation is pretty straightforward and discards a lot of the catch phrases and attempts at humour from the film itself. The result is a frenetic action romp which would probably have produced a film more in keeping with the tone of the comics. yes there is off beat humour in Dredd but it's far more subtle than the caperings of Rob Schneider and a strained catch phrase. Michael Danza colours Ezquerra's art and gives it a look that is perhaps more typical of US monthly comics and in keeping with DC comics who published this one shot.

It is a bit of an oddity but with Ezquerra artwork and a Sienkiewicz cover you can't go far wrong. Definitely one for the completists and not likely to cost you to much money to acquire a copy.

Dark Justice

No Prog or Meg reviews from me this month, let’s just say they are both on terrific form, but you probably know that already. Instead let’s turn to the lovely hardback which dropped into the sweaty hands of most 2000AD readers recently, John Wagner and Greg Staples’ lovingly crafted Dark Justice.

First and foremost is the look and the feel of the book which as most reviewers have already observed resembles a good old fashioned Christmas annual. It looks and feels wonderful with a stunning cover and the dramatic endpapers illustrating Staples’ glorious art. Just holding it brings back those wonderful feelings of when you got a top annual in your stocking. Jumpers for goalposts and all that. Marvellous.

Story wise it does read better as a single volume. It’s quite clear what its inspirations were and it plays out quite nicely in a fiends on a space plane fashion. There are a number of unanswered or half answered questions such as how Judge Death returned exactly, how fast the Justice department ship must have traveled to catch the Mayflower, and how far out of our solar system they are stranded at the end of the story. Anderson seems to survive a lethal attack from Death, Dredd is issued with a new Mark 3 Lawgiver whose only purpose is to jam at a crucial moment and leave Joe using farm implements and harsh language to defend himself. I’d also like to know how poor old Logan is getting on and, of course, what happened to P.J.Maybe, who surely must still be alive to return in a future story.

John Wagner is the heart and soul of 2000AD, the Goliath who has shaped Dredd’s universe from day one. He has produced some of the best comic writing ever in stories like America, Mandroid and Day of Chaos. Dark Justice doesn’t quite hit those heights and maybe John really is finished with the Dark Judges, but it’s still a very entertaining read.

Turning to the art and I’m going to run out of superlatives for the products of two year’s hard work by Greg Staples. On this lovely glossy paper in the beautiful hardback it all just pops. It’s stunning and clearly worth the price of admission alone. Hopefully the lucky so and so who bought all the original pages will exhibit them in a gallery somewhere so we can all go along and drool over them.

Tharg has also given us plenty of extras. It’s fascinating to read the exchange of emails between the creators as Greg persuades John to write a new Judge Death story. Then there are the covers in all their glory, Steve Green’s 3D designs for the new Lawgiver, Greg’s sketches and the intermediate stages on the way to the production of final pages. Plus there are a couple of images from the photo shoot which Greg used to plan some of the action scenes. And if you can tear your eyes away from the lovely Lauren Stables you might recognise Steve Green and Senior Street Judge Burdis hanging out with the cool kids again. That’s what we want, Mr Tharg, pages of extras that we can feast our eyes on.

Overall it may not be the best Judge Dredd story ever but it’s certainly one of the most beautifully illustrated, and presented in this excellent hardback format it’s a winner. There’s a lot of tugging on the purse strings of the avid 2000AD fan at the moment, and yes some of those new figures do look pretty great, but come on you have to have this back on your shelf. It’s pretty cheap on Amazon but they suck, buy it from the 2000AD shop instead, or better yet get it in your local comic shop if you are lucky enough to have such a thing, and let’s keep this Rebellion revival rolling along.

Dark Justice, clearly 10/10 and recommended to all. I’m now off to lovingly caress something hard and glossy again.

2000AD Prog 1938 review

Cover by Neil Roberts presents a nicely dynamic shot of Dredd laying the smack down on the guy who spilled his pint. Plenty of action in a beautifully rendered image. Works for me, I even approve of Tharg's pun.

Inside we are promised the return of the Magnificent Seven as the Strontium Dogs ride again. At some point we'll have to discuss the medical botch job that led surgeons to remove McNulty's arm after he was shot in the shoulder but for now onwards.

Judge Dredd by Michael Carroll, Colin MacNeil, Chris Blythe and Annie Parkhouse.

An Irishman, a Scotsman and two (wherever Blythe and Parkhouse are from) walk into a bar and mayhem ensues. I thought it was strange that the assassins didn't shoot first and ask questions later but it turns out there was method in their madness and McGann was their intended target, not Dredd. Michael Carroll go do no wrong with this darker, grittier look at Murphyville. And MacNeil and Blythe make it all look fantastic with their signature gleaming visors the only hint at what's going on in Dredd's head. I'm not sure that Old Joe and Joyce could really shoot their way out of an airport and still board a plane but we'll see how that pans out next week. Wouldn't want to be the security guard who has to ask Dredd to take off his belt and boots though. Top stuff from the Celtic tiger creator team again this week.

Absalom by Gordon Rennie, Tiernen Trevallion,  and Simon Bowland

The Guvnor is a nasty bit of work and things must be bad for old Harry to spring him for this case. I love how he rejects DNA profiling for the more reliable blood tracking magic. Trevallion gets to turn up the steampunk features as some new bads enter the fray and this continues to be one of the best things in the prog week in, week out. Bloody Harry Absalom indeed.

Helium by Ian Edginton, D'Israeil and Ellie De Ville

The Prof explains what went wrong and what went right down below to put them all in their current pickle. Unfortunate his evidence is on a format that his hosts can't play, well we've all had that problem haven't we? If ever there was a case for cloud computing then a world based on airship technology would seem to be the perfect place for it.

D'Israeli delivers a masterclass in his use of colour in each issue and I love Edginton's steampunky world building so this is still rattling all my diodes nicely. I must ask D'Israeli if he has any prints of this stuff when I meet him at Brum ICE later this year.

Outlier by T.C.Eglington, Karl Richardson and Annie Parkhouse.

OK, so it's the Hurde not the Horde and they have added swarming nano clouds to their lethal cocktail of killing machines. The flickering lights on and off sequence works remarkably well even though it means four completely black panels. Personally I would have put the sound effects in those panels to heighten the fear factor but this team know what they are doing and it all ends horribly. 

I presume Carcer's black claws that appear in the bottom panel of this page are made of the nasty nanites as well. As far as I can tell the genie is out of the bottle and worse lies ahead. Pretty good episode this week which has pulled me back in.

Jaegir by Gordon Rennie, Simon Coleby, Len O'Grady and Ellie De Ville

It would be nice to perhaps have one Jaegir story that didn't rely on flashbacks but this one is particularly chilling as Atalia reflects on the war crime in her own past while hunting down the perpetrators of a more recent atrocity. The scene in the canteen seems very familiar to me from a host of military movies but it is used to good ends here when we realise what Jaegir is up to. Gordon Rennie currently has three separate strips running across the Prog and the Meg, Absalom is easily the best but I can't pick a second place between this and El Maldito, time will tell. On the art side Coleby and O'Grady get stuck with lots of uniforms this issue which is rather repetitive in terms of colours but they totally make up for it with a killer last panel.

Pick of the Prog is really difficult with all five strips having excellent installments this week, I'm going to give it to Michael Carroll, Colin MacNeil and Chris Blythe for Dredd again. Exciting stuff and a genuine thrill when it lands on my doormat.

Eamonn Clarke

Hell is bits and pieces of other people

The final Hammer Frankenstein with Peter Cushing was Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell, directed by Terence Fisher from a script by Anthony Hinds.

Baron Frankenstein has faked his death and is quietly carrying on his strange experiments posing as a prison medic called Doctor Victor (that old trick again). Unfortunately his hands have been badly scarred by fire, possibly at the end of Frankenstein must be Destroyed, and his surgical results are crude. Luckily a brash young surgeon is imprisoned for trying to copy Frankenstein's methods and soon they have teamed up to work on a new creature, ably assisted by another mute female assistant in the form of the lovely Madeline Smith. To round out the quartet Dave Prowse wears a rather ludicrous looking rubber monster suit which appears to have been covered in matted fur rescued from a barber's floor.

As ever Frankenstein stops at nothing to get the necessary spare parts for his creature, driving one inmate to suicide when he realises he has a suitable brain to slot into the monstrous body. The Baron is of course the most horrifying creature in all of the Hammer films, and Cushing becomes more villainous in each one. This was filmed just one year after the sad death of Cushing's wife and the toll that grief had taken on the actor is obvious from his first moments on screen. He still turns in a fine performance although he is further hampered by the dodgiest wig Hammer ever made him wear.

Madeline Smith is lovely to look at and almost steals the show even without using her most famous assets. In terms of the creature it's strange that Frankenstein has lost the ability to produce beautiful specimens as he did in Revenge and Frankenstein created Woman, but presumably that is down to his crippled hands. Meanwhile Prowse lumbers and grunts and is finally dispatched rather easily by two bullets and a bit of zombie entrail ripping that Romero would have been proud of.

And then it all just peters out and Hammer's light fades through the seventies. Their Frankenstein series did many interesting things, notably making the Baron the true monster at the heart of the stories. Christopher Lee's performance as the creature in the first film is still the best of the various scarred horrors, while the famous creation sequence in Evil of Frankenstein beats all the rest. I watched this film on a slightly shonky DVD from a Dutch box set and the difference in quality between the picture and the pin sharp Bluray of Evil was startling and the biggest advert I've yet seen for the power of Bluray. Two stars for the Monster from Hell but overall four stars for Cushing and the Hammer Frankensteins. Now where's a good Vampire hunter when you need one?