Wednesday, July 9, 2014


The next short story theme was reality television and I took aim at the easy target of celebrity talent shows. I quite like the three menus but my final pun is terrible.

“Things are really hotting up on this week’s Celebrity Mega-Chef as three showbiz personalities compete to produce a meal that can satisfy the toughest judges this side of the hall of justice.

In the blue kitchen celebrity vidcaster Enigma Smith is hoping that her dish of sauteed munce, draped in shredded creds, all topped with a foam of dessicated fish vaginas, and served on a diamond studded knee-pad will do enough to make up for last week’s ‘Judge Death’s Livers!’ disaster.”

“I think this recipe has it all. It’s a statement about the financial disaster and what the bankers have done to us since the day of chaos. I’m calling it ‘Munce, Bunce and Cun..”

“OK! Thank you, Enigma. Let’s move on to the red kitchen where well known lothario, bon viveur, and heir to the Sump fortune, Blotto Sump, is looking to dazzle with a fusion of classic Mega-City one flavours with the best of Brit-Cit cooking, but can he manage the timing right to bring his Black Atlantic mutated cod served with Umpty coated rat chips to the table before the radiation level hits critical?”

“Well, you know I’m, like, a red zone player and I always give 120%. When the going gets tough I just dig down, max out my thrusters, think outside the box and break through the blue sky thinking to reach that glass ceiling. I’m, like, totes amazo and I just wish that my dear old Grandpa was here today because, like, so many times he told me to follow my dream and never get up in the morning”

“Uh, thank you, Blotto. That was the most moving thing we’ve heard since you gave the same speech on Celebrity Kleggs-Factor.

Finally, in the green kitchen it’s that irrepressible robotic, serial killer impersonator and one-hit wonder pop star, Call-Me-Maybe, who knows he is playing catch-up after the judges marked him down for last week’s Futsie Nut Roast when they found out that his raw ingredients included Horse Chestnuts.”

“I think I’ve cracked it this week. I’m taking a slab of the best Mega-City Lard, then I’m going to coat it in an emulsion of liquid fat, deep fry that in hot oil, and serve on a bed of bacon lardons topped with crispy, pan-fried lard shavings.

Cooking doesn’t get any Larder than this!”

“So there you have it, folks. Three celebrity super chefs going all out in the hopes that their meal will be be chosen by Megz Wallace and Kanga Roux as the best of the best of the....

...wait, what? You can’t come in here. We’re on-air. Oh my drokking Grud. Judge Dredd?”

“This show is under arrest! There’s a food crisis going on out there and you creeps are making things worse. Incitement to riot. Six months each.”

“But you can’t do this, Dredd..”

“Let’s make it nine months. It’s time you got a taste of what everyone else is eating right now. Take them to the Stock Cubes.”

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